


oh darling, i crave your touch

by renhyuck (thereisnoreality)



Series: born to die [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 10:18:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16595972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/renhyuck
Summary: He’d given into temptation and it had killed him. Had the killed the only part of him worth saving.the original ending to the hunger games au





	oh darling, i crave your touch

**Author's Note:**

> ok hello this was all because of berry telling me I wrote ambiguous endings when it came to angst so here's the non ambiguous ending, in full sadness. 
> 
> this contains mentions of character death and implies that a character commits suicide. it is Not a happy story. Please, PLEASE, do not read it if you will be affected by it. I want you to be safe. 
> 
> entirely off [this tweet](https://twitter.com/hyxcheis/status/1061764601858179072)

 

The last time Donghyuck sees Renjun alive, he doesn’t realise it. Of course he doesn’t. How can he know, standing in their kitchen half asleep at six in the morning with the sun barely up, that the last time he will see Renjun is like this, a tiny fond smile on his lips, indistinguishable to anyone who isn’t Donghyuck, standing on one foot, trying to put his boot on without falling over.

 

“Why don’t you sit down?” Donghyuck asks, rubbing his eyes and crossing the living room, too long pajamas dragging on the cold flooring, to stand next to Renjun, close enough that their shirts brush, close enough that Renjun can balance himself on Donghyuck. The need to touch him courses through Donghyuck’s skin and he wonders, staring at the curve of Renjun’s collarbone, what it would be like to give into temptation. To forget, for one delicious minute, the fear and pain that constantly surrounds them. To press his lips against Renjun’s, to be held in his arms. To be touched.

 

“Why don’t you go back to sleep?” Renjun shoots back, but his voice is gentle. “You had a long night.”

 

Donghyuck drags his gaze up, tracking the tendons in Renjun’s neck, taking him in bit by bit, before meeting his eyes and smiling dryly. Last night had been a particularly special one, with shrieking laughs and too much wine and the sharp bite of knives. Donghyuck’s already repressed it, it doesn’t bear thinking about.

 

“I wanted to see you off,” he says and daringly, he lifts a hand, trembling minutely, to Renjun’s cheek. Renjun freezes and stares at him. They’re too close. Too close to temptation. Donghyuck’s heart beats in triple time. “Can I?” He asks, breath fanning over Renjun’s face, ruffling his bangs slightly. Renjun nods, eyes wide and a little afraid and Donghyuck cups his cheek in his hand and brings his face close to him. They don’t touch anywhere else, but every nerve ending in Donghyuck’s body sings out for Renjun, sparks on fire to be closer to him. Donghyuck cannot remember the last time they touched like this.

 

“I’ll be back in the evening,” Renjun whispers and he goes to draw away, letting Donghyuck’s hand drop from his cheek.

 

“I wish-” Donghyuck starts but he cuts himself off. Temptation is a dangerous drug, and it is especially fatal in their lives.

 

Renjun’s eyes soften and he moves back into Donghyuck’s space. “I know.” His eyes flick down to Donghyuck’s mouth. “Darling.” The word is aching, filled with longing, and for a split second Donghyuck thinks he’ll do it, thinks he’ll close the gap that exists between them, but then he steps back and the moment is gone.

 

Donghyuck clears his throat and opens the door for him. “I’ll see you tonight.”

 

The last thing he sees is the faint flicker of Renjun's smile before the door shuts. 

  


When the letter arrives, Donghyuck doesn’t register it for a moment. He stares at the Avox, looking up from the meaningless words.

 

“What-” He starts, but the Avox simply bows and walks away.

 

Donghyuck looks back down at the letter and his hands shake as he raises it to read again. _Died in shooting incident_. _Corpse dealt with._ _Termination of contract_. All the phrases pop out at him but Donghyuck doesn’t understand. Renjun had made him promise to survive and Donghyuck had listened, had fought against every cell in his body screaming to give up. Renjun had promised the _same._

 

Tears blur his vision and suddenly he’s sitting on the floor, legs collapsed beneath him. Donghyuck doesn’t remember the last time he cried. How fitting that the first time tears spilled from his eyes in years would be for Renjun.

 

He’d seen Renjun this _morning._ Had told him to come home in the evening. Had touched him for the first time in years. Didn’t that mean Renjun was supposed to come home?

 

Donghyuck doesn’t make a sound, digs his nails into his palms, uncaring of the blood that drips down his hands, and cries and cries and cries, without letting a single noise escape him. Renjun would have scolded him for crying, would have forced him to stop. But Renjun wasn’t here. And Donghyuck cries until he passes out on the living room floor, dried blood staining his shirt sleeves, the letter crumpled in his hand.

 

He’d given into temptation and it had killed him. Had the killed the only part of him worth saving.

  


The days pass by in a blur of gray, devoid of any meaning. Donghyuck tries to get up in the mornings, tries to go into work, tries to be any semblance of normal because it’s what Renjun would have wanted. But no matter how much he tries, he can’t force himself to leave the apartment, can’t leave the ghost of Renjun behind.

 

He cries a lot. Maybe it’s the overflow from years of stoicism but Donghyuck cannot stop himself. He cries from the moment he wakes up in an empty bed to the moment he passes out again.

 

 

He wakes up one morning determined to move on. Determined to _survive._ Pushes himself out of bed and showers and eats something that isn’t vodka for breakfast. Repeatedly tells himself it’s what Renjun would have wanted.

 

It lasts two days. He comes home from work to find Renjun’s house slippers shoved behind the plant in the hallway, probably from the last time he’d taken them off. Donghyuck makes it to his room before he collapses, clutching the slippers in his hand, the tears clawing their way out of his throat, aching for release, aching for him to make a sound. Donghyuck refuses. If there is one thing he can do, it is not allow _them,_ Panem, the satisfaction of hearing his pain.

 

“You’d told me you’d never leave,” he whispers brokenly into the night. It’s a futile task though. There’s no one listening. “You told me you wouldn’t die.”

 

No one answers.

 

He cries through the whole night, until his face is swollen and his eyes are puffy and his stomach is roiling from how much vodka he’s drunk and his skin is sticky from the leftover liquid spilling down his shirt.

 

 

Donghyuck had always thought Mark was strong. He’d mentioned it once to Renjun but the ensuing fear and anger that had erupted in Renjun, the way he’d pulled Donghyuck close, had initiated contact for the first time in years, desperate enough to touch him, had put Donghyuck off mentioning it ever again. Renjun had hated Mark, had hated how he’d given up. Hated that he’d survived, only to throw it all away.

 

 _Maybe Renjun would hate me for this,_ Donghyuck muses to himself, sitting on the edge of the tub, waiting for the water to fill up to the edge. The bottles sit on the closed toilet seat, orange and white, tantalising him. But Renjun had always told him that he’d follow Donghyuck where ever he went. He’d never even mentioned the possibility of leaving first, of leaving Donghyuck behind.

 

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck whispers, sliding into the tub, clothes still on. The warmth of the water does nothing to ease the pain in his heart, the hot tears burning tracks down his cheeks. “I told you to survive. I’m so sorry I couldn’t do the same.” Renjun’s face swims into his mind and Donghyuck smiles, his chapped lips splitting open and dripping blood. “Oh well,” he says raising the bottle to no one. “Here’s to you. My darling.”

 

After all, there was never a place that one of them went that the other didn’t follow.

 

**Author's Note:**

> .....come yell at me if you want 
> 
>  
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_donghyuck_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hyxcheis)  
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